Nny's Epiphany
by devention
Summary: Nny has an Epiphany in the face of horribly cliched beauty. It's a parody of every Mary Sue fichorrible fic I've ever read. Let's get ready to be offended! Off the hiatus I never told you it was on!
1. Chapter 1

LET'S GET READY TO BE OFFENDED!

IF YOU LIKE MARY SUES, DO NOT READ THIS STORY.

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND HATE THEM, G'HEAD.

To: People who flame

To begin with, I'm not going to bother asking you not to flame me. If you're going to, you're a lousy shit with no respect for other people (and most of you are either so chicken you do it anonymously or don't have the guts to put any stories of your own up.) I've gotten flames before and people who flame piss me off. You waste my time and are bullies. You also usually can't spell. Or use so many curses it's hard to figure out what the heck you're talking about.

At any rate, I'm probably going to get flames about this. Let me spell something out for you: I do not care. Pretty much everyone hates Mary-Sues, including me. Pretty much everyone (who I've met, at least) has also created a Mary-Sue, including me once more. Call me a hypocrite, but I'm not taking it down unless I get a note from the admins because I broke the rules or whatever.

Anyway, I'm just trying to point out that flaming me is useless, but by all means, go ahead and flame me.

I'll use them to roast your asses when I take you to hell with me.

And for the rest of you, you're cool with me. I'm not meaning to whine to you, so you can just skip the rest of this… these next four words.

Love from,

TK

PS: I spelled stuff wrong on purpose. And those little (sp?) tags piss me off. And no, Jhonen didn't kill me. I managed to convince him not to. Go me.

PSS: Since this is more or less stuff that pisses me off there's no paragraphing, either.

PSSS: This is longer than the story. Oops.

Nny's Epiphany

Bit 1

In which Nny meets the girl of his dreams (Part one of two)

Johnny C. was walking down the street when he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Her hair was the color of strained peaches and her eyes were enormus(sp?) orbs of bright akwa(sp?)-mareen(sp?), shining with the intellegince(sp?) of a thosand(sp?) lifes (sp?). She was a little bit shorter than him and wore a black, halter top cutoff shirt and a miniskirt (also black). Her skin was beutifule(sp?) tanned. Johnny had to have her. So he walked up to her and said, "For you, I would give up killing!" And they talked and had some odd adventure that I can't make up because I'm so vague and _Uh, hello, Mr. Vasquez, how are you? Huh? Why is Nny so OOC? Uh… I can explain… Mr. Vasquez, what are you doing with that mallet? Did you get it from hammer space? That's really cool! MR. VASQUEZ, WAIT! I WAS JUST MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE, HONEST! SURELY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND! MR. VASQUEZ, I KNOW NNY WOULD NEVER—_

_**End Transmission**_


	2. Chapter 2

Continued more-or-less because A) somebody suggested it and B) I wanted to do more Mary-Sue bashing. And I was bored. EVERYTHING IS SPELLED WRONG ON PURPOSE! Directed at the guy who didn't read all of the monster of a note at the beginning of 1. HOLY SHORTNESS, BATMAN! I own nothing. NOTHING I SAY! Except for Nny's Mary-Sue family.

Bit Two

In which Nny marries the girl of his dreams (part 2 of 2)

After talking for ten seconds, Johnny and the girl- who's name he descovered was Aziel-Linnette-Haruka-Tala Swiftfoot, and was the only thing she'd said to him (it had taken her the whole ten seconds to say)- walked to the Town Hall and got marrried. All of a suden, the gost of Jimmy appeared and tried to kill Johnny. Aziel-Linnette-Haruka-Tala Swiftfoot leeped in front of him and saved him from the attack. Johnny gasped and bent next to her."Aziel-Linnette-Haruka-Tala!" He gasped a breath. "Are you okay?!" She caughed up blud and said, "I will be, I have amazing healing powers." She smiled, shot Jimmy-ghost in the head and started making out with Johnny. Ten mounths later, they celebraited the birth of Jennifer-Miriam-Callain-Annamaria C. And they all lived happily ever after. The end


	3. Chapter 3

_And here I thought this thing was over and done with...But, I'm a filthy, scumbag liar, so on with the show! Much as I hate Mary-Sues, they're ultimately insanely fun to write and screw with. A/N's in the middle because I absolutely HATE it when people do that. Hopefully, the 'quality' of the work will be the same._

_Disclaimer 1: I dun own Nny, or anyone else, for that matter. Just the Mary-Sue of the day. -Grin-_

Bit Three

In which Nny meets a half-demon

The sun rose. Nny sighed. He was missing something. He knew it. The quite of the morning was broken by a huge portle opaning above him, spitting out a very pretty girl onto the ground with a thump. It sounded like this: THUMP! (A/N: stupidgiggle I'm funny!) She stood grogggilly and shook her perfectly-formed and uninjered head. Long, jet-black hair hung in front of gold eyes. She had great big and huge black bat/dragon wings. Her attaire consisted of a black tube-top cutoff, a black skirt with dark purpel legings and no shoes. "Hello," she said. With a jolt, Nny relaized what he was missing. A pretty girl. "If you'll excuse me," the girl said. "i have a sivleisashon to distroy." She was about to take off,when Nny shouted, "WAIT!" She turned and looked at him uniterestedly. "What?" "What is your name?" He asked. She glared at him. "What makes you think your worthey to know _my _name?" Nny thought for a minite. What did make him worthey to know such a beautiful person's name? Was she even a person? He eyed the bat/dragon wings. "My name is Johnny," he said. "You may call me Nny." The girl gasped. "My name is Jenny! We have so much in common, wanna go on a killing spree and get hitched?" Johnny nodded and they ran off together. THE END.

_I hope this didn't hurt you as much as it hurt me. The number of errors is sickening. Next one will be in 'script' format, I think._


	4. Chapter 4

_OHMIGOD! Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's- it's…_

_A shitty-ass update from me, you must be so happy._

_Okay, so I lied. Kill me. I remembered that it's against the stupid rules to do 'script form'. God knows why. Anyhow, I'm doing the dreaded 'self-insertion' sue. Oh, raging horror. I'm using me, because I know me inside and out (or mostly, I don't like to think about what's going on in my head most of the time). Any description is mostly what I look like, except fat and zitty. And fugly, cos I'm really quite fugly. _

_Nny, Squee and all their wonderful, fun-loving friends owned by the too-cool-for-school JCV and the floating cloud of amazing goo, SLG. I'm owned by me. Who will soon be dead because of what I'm doing. I hate me………._

Johnny C., AKA Nny, AKA the guy created by the guy that should've killed me in the first chapter, woke up from his sleep. He blinked and roared. He had slept?! He would kill he (or she) who made him sleep! "Your awake, gud."He turnd quickly and saw a purty girl standing behind the couch he was on. "I was worried." Long, light brown locks framed a pretty (read: fugly) face. Soft gray eyes were trained on his own cocolate. "You alright?" Nny nodded. "Who are you why am I here?""You fell down stairs. I brott you back here.""Why?" "Cos you're a person, yah?""Yah…" Nny didn't quite get where she was coming from. The girl came to sit by him. She was wearing a black shirt with a moose-crossing sign on it and a pair of black jeans. "My name's Tessa, who're you?""I'm Nny…""Nice to meet you."

Four months later, after falling in love and being reformed, etc, etc, Nny and Tessa married and lived happily ever after.

_Seriously, someone just kill me._


	5. Chapter 5

_Holy crap, an actual update on this thing? It's been... over a year, I think. Yup. Over a year. Anyway, hope it's up to... er, down to the standards I've set. Today, we're dealing with the canon-character-turned-fic-sue. Which, as some of you may know, I have a certain amount of experience with._

Nny was waking down the street when he was suddenly peppar-spreyed in the face.

"F OFF!! I KNOW YOU'RE STAWKING ME, YOU FREAK!" A familar voice screemed.

He tried to get to stuff out of his eyes, but only maniged to get it in deeper. "Who the hell is that?!" He shouted.

"You know who it is!" The person hollered. "Devi!"

"I sed I was _sorry_!"

Devi didn't say anything ofr a minit. "I fergot. C'mon, we can get to know eechother better and Ill get that stuff out your eyes."

Johnny nodded and smiled at her. He had fergot how much he liekd her.

That nite, Johnny went home wif devi and they did the rumpy-pumpy.

...the end...

or is it?

_Uh. I really hate me somtimes. I've been reading bad!fic for the past eight hours. Excuse me while I bang my head against that wall over there._


	6. Chapter 6

_Holyshitthere'smore. I really did forget how much fun badfic is. I also forgot how much I hate myself for doing this, but whatever. Anyway, more badfic cliches! This time, still with a canon character, we're doing the BAD SLASH FIC. Don't get me wrong, I _adore_ Nny/Edgar. Because I will slash anyone under the sun. But it's very... not approaching canon. No, I'm not making fun of Zarla, who is awesome and amazing. Go read her stuff. So, here we go. (Yes, there will be more with Devi. No, I don't know when.)_

"I don't suppose you could... let me go?"

Johnny looked up at him mornfully. "No I'm afraid not. The wall, you see, has to be fe.d"

"O, look," Edgar sed. "I... undrstand, I gess, but I didn't do nuffin."

"I kno," Johnny sighed. "I know, I just... need the blodo, see? An ur the only one around to get it from."

"Wut if sumbody els showed up," edgar asked. "I mean, wuldn't they do it? Liek one of those annoying dore-to-dore salesmen?"

"Yah--"

just then, the doorbel (or the guy hooked up to the shocker that acted a s a dorebell) rang.

Johnny looked up, surprised. Edgar looked up, hopeful.

"Maybe..."

Johnny looked at edgar. "Gimme a minute."

He ran off.

Edgar looked around at the empty room. "I'll just... wait here, shall I?"

It took Johnny almost an hour to return. He had a ;bukkit in his hand.

"Rite," he sed. he put the bukkit down and undid the straps around edgar's hands and feet. "Sorry about all this. I mean, teh hole kidnapping you and almost killing you thing."

"It's, er, OK," edgar said. "How do I get out of here?"

"O, you just keep going up." johnny said. "Sometiems the house rearanges itself, tho, so if you get a little lost, justkepp going up."

"Grate," edgar said. he rubbed his rists. "Uh, bai, then."

Jonny looked at him sadly. "Bai."

Edgar ran up the stairs.

Two weeks later, he woke up to Johnny staring at him a s he slept.

_Hope the quality of the shittiness stays consistent. I swear to gosh, I will conclude this and the Devi story in a future update, if you're at all interested. As always, spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, lack of correct characterization, etc are all intentional. Except for stuff like the 'bai's, this stuff is all my own typos. As you can see, I am completely incapable of typing._


	7. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDD

_I'm in a disturbingly good mood. Because I'm going to see my relatives today. My family's __**awesome**__._

A couple months after she and Johnny gog back tother, Devi startted throwing up a lot. At first , she thought she was sick. 1 day, when Johnny stopped by her flat (she refused to live with him in that shack, and he refused to move) she accidentally barfed on him. She suspected he barely managed not to kill her. So, she went to the doctor.

"Well," he said" You're not sick. But you do have a parasite."

"What?" she asked, shocked. "Did I eat something?"

"No," the doctor replied, pulling a maching from the corner. "But you're going to. Probably pickles and ice cream."

Devi's hart sank. "You're not saying what I think you're saying."

The doctor smirked and rolled the wand of the ultrasound machine over her belly, then turned the monitor around. "Most women come to embrace this parasite. Some even dress it up in little clothes and parade it around with them like a showdog."

Devi rubbed her forehead. "Is mental diseas heriditary?"

_:is still in a fantastic mood:_


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey! I thought about going two years without updating this, but changed my mind. Here we go. Edgar storyline..._

Bit 8

"Er, hi," edgar said. Johnny stared at him am inute and then sat down at teh foot of hish bed. Er, what's up?" _at four in the fucking morning_, he added mentally, but not out loud. He wasn't quite suicidal yet.

"Can yuo explain," Johnny started, "jest whut's so great about sex?"

Edgar blinked once. Then twice. Then again, just for good measure. "You want to know what's good about...sex?"

Johnny nodded, pouting and put his head in his hand. "I just don't get ti. It's..." he rotated his wrist in a circle. "It's disgusting. It's bodily fuids and and..."

"It's...I don't know. I've never had sex." Edgar pulled his knees up to his chest, partly to get away from Johnny, partly because this was an extreeemly uncomfortable conversation and he really didn't want to talk about his virginity to...well, a psychotic mass-murderer. It was just a bit awkward.

"Really?" Johnny asked. He looked mildly surprised. "That's, er." He looked down and twitched. "Srprising."

"What?"

Johnny glanced up at him and the n down again. "Just, uh. Healthy, attractive young man."

A bit awkward had gracefully dived into more-awkward-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at. He was fairly certain that Johnny was coming onto him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh, cry, or throw up. Or, possibly, some combination of the three.

"Uh, thanks?"

"It's the religion thing, innit?" Johnny asked He looked—well, Edgar wasn't quite sure. A cross between scared, angry, and curios. How he pulled it off, Edgar wasn't sure. Buyt he managed it.

"Sort of," Edgar replied. He had to handle this tactfully. And carefully. very, very carefully. "It's that, plus, well. I haven't met the right pe—girl yet." He swallowed. Gently drop in that he's straight. Hopefully It wouldn't piss the guy off.

"Makes sense, I suppose," Johnny murmured. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Perhaps Edgar had been wrong—perhaps Johnny hadn't been coming ont him. Perhaps Johnny was just—well, that made sense. Johnny was just _insane_. "Still. Why'd you want to, anwya?"

"Right. It's—it's gross, right?" Edgar agreed, though he wasn't quite sure he did. "Uh. So. Why now?"

Johnny looked at him insurprise and looked around. "What now?"

"Why'd you come now?"

"Because." He looked at the clock. "Oh. I suppose you were asleep, huh?"

"yeah." You ought to know. You woke me up.

"I'll go then." He looked—dejected. Completely, utterly degected and Edgar felt terrible abou it, even though Johnny was a psychopath and would've just as soon killed him as looked at him, but he just looked sad, and wasn't he supposed to help people? Wasn't it his job as a Christian—as a human being—to help people who were suffering?

"You don't have to," Egar said quietly. Johnny looked up. "I mean—you can crash on my couch, if you want."

"I don't sleep," Johnny replied, and didn't _that_ make sense. "Do you get HBO?"

"No, but I do have basic cable."

"AMC?"

"Yup."

"Great." He grinned and jounced out of the room.

Edgar tried and failed to sleep. Johnny spent the rest of the night screaming at the TV.

_I like the word jounced._


	9. Chapter 9

**I think this one is a bit longer than usual. A bit. Not much, but a bit.**

Jonny sat on the couch, dumbfounded.

"Your."

"Pregnant." Devi said. Johnny blinked at her.

"And it's."

"Yours," Devi said.

Johnny blinked and stared and tried to will the situation into something etse. "What."

"Yeah, exactly."

JTHMJTHMJTHM

Devi's pregnancy didn't go smoothly. Quite frankly, living with a psychotic mass murderer she was lucky thati t went at _all_, so she counted her blessings on that one. Their main problem, f couse, was monies. Neither devi nor Johnny had many monies, and Devi had some issues making it, given her inclination toward injuring custumors.

"We should get maryed," Jonny said one day.

"Why."

"Becase," Johnny replied. "Kid need a mum. Kid needs a dad. Might as well."

Devi couldn't beat that logic, so they had a quiet ceremony, which Senor Diablo officiated.

They didn' have a honeymoon, because devi went into labor on the way to hte airport.

"Shit! Shit! Shit-shit-shit," Johnny screamd as he drove down the road. "Shiiiiiittttt."

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH IF YOU WANT TO LIVE TO SEE THIS CHILD, JOHNNY!" Devi shouted. "I SWEAR TO GOD!"

The hospital staff were very accommodating once Johnny made them see reason, ad Chloe Elizibeth C.D. was born to exstatic parents.


	10. Yes, this is an actual update

_So, yeah. I haven't updated this shit in, what, like a year and a half now? _

_Disclaimer: I don't own this shit, guys._

_Let's see if I still have the magic touch…_

Johnny was determined not to sleep. Fucking determined. Bored. But fucking. Determined.

Also, he was driving, so he figured it would probably be a really bad idea. Since he was on the thruway. Doing, what, like, a hundred or something? He wasn't sure. He didn't want the gauges to bore him to sleep, so he didn't bother looking.

And squee was in the back seat. Squee, unlike Johnny, got to fucking sleep. Little bastard.

No, no, that was discourteous. Squee was a guest. A kidnapped guest. Kidnapped in the loosest sense of the word, of course, since Squee's dad had started beating on him.

Johnny had not taken that well. Squee no longer had a biological father

But he has a Johnny. Ajohnny who hadn't slept in, what, two, three weeks? He's not sure. He's fucking exhausted.

He odesn't sleep. He has to keep reminding himself.

A trup passes very close. Johny swears very loudly and promised vengeance upon said truck driver.

His mobile rang.

"When the fuck did I get that?" he wondered aloud, beacaus seriously. When the fuck did he get that?

The ringtone was fucking annoying as hell, too.

"_When the fuck did I get a mobile phone?_" he screamed. Squee made a quiet noise in the back of the car. "Sorry," Johnny said, turning to face him. "I didn't mean to wake you. I'm just confused—"

"Nny!"

"I don't know where this damn thing came from…"

"NNY THE ROAD"

"Don't interrupt, it's impolite—oh, shit!" He turned back just in time to slam on the brakes. He stared tat the car ahead of him for a moment, then decides to pull over at the next service stop.

Sign says 13 miles.

JTHMJTHMJTHM

Squee is drinking something red. Johnny was reminded ov the wall. Fucking wall. He looks around. Fucking walls everywhere.

"Do you boys need help with anything?"

The girl is, in a word, beautiful. Her hair was long and bright, platinum blonde. Her teeth were straight and white. She's maybe twenty, wearing a service-stop apron. She isn't wearing a service stop uniform, though; here clothes were totlly original and spoke to Johnny. Her shirt was some kind of red and black lace-up corcet with lace over the bodice and red string. Her boots are thigh-high, made ove leather and had high-heals that make her legs look like they go on forever. Her skirt was short, but not slutty, black and red plad with black lace on the underside. Her boobs are pretty big. She's not flat. Not like Devi (don't think of her, don't imagine her, god he misses her, sometimes, it's so ugly).

This girl's eyes, though. God, her eyes. Johnny had never seen eyes like them before. They were a million different colors, but bluer than toilet cleaner. They accented her porcelain skin beautifully.

"No, thanks," Squee said quietly. He sucked on his drink and hiccupped.

The girl smiled at Squee, and Johnny became jealous. It was kind of trippy.

Her name-tag said Jenny.

Their names rhyme.

Fate was fucking with him. But he has to have this girl.

Fucking has to.

_Yes? No? Glad to be back, at least. And even with a longer update than usual? (madness)_

_Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. _


	11. Chapter 11

_I'm updating more than once in a given six month period. 2012, people, it's happening._

_Disclaimer: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac would not be nearly as amusing (though would be less prone to grammar and spelling mistakes) if I were the one who wrote it._

_Devi story_

Jonny held chloe like she was the only thing that mattered. Squee is half in his lap getting a look at her.

"why is sh wrinkly?" he asks.

"She's a babby," jonny says. "Babbys do that."

Squee stared at her aa bit longer. "Can I hold her?"

A million scenarios fly through Johnny's head. Squee could drop her. Squee can decide he hates her and htrow her to the is defenseless and his, and squee could hurt her.

But he wouldn't, on purpose.

Johnny hands her over and squee looks terrified.

Cloe starts crying.

"I didn't mean to break it!" Squee exclaimed.

Johnny took her back and started hushing her, but idoesn't work.

Devi appears from nowhere, looking very cross. "Johnny, what did you do?" she asked. "I don't do anything!" Johnny said. "Ibroket the baby," Squee said. "Jesus," Devi muttered. She snatched Chloe from Johnny and started cooing. Chloe stopped fussing. "Honestly," Devi said. "You can't do anything right."

Johnny looked chastened. "I'm sorry."

"Should be," Devi grumbled. "C'mon, baby girl. I bet your hungry."

Jonny stared after her, feeling very stupid. "How is sh so good?" he asked no one. "She's a mom," Squee said, shrugging. "Your mom sucks at taking care of you."

Squee looked very sad.

"Soryr." Johnny said. "I take care of you." Squee smiled.

"yeah, I know. You'll be a good dad."

Johnny hoped so. HE really hoped so.

_Continuing the super-short trend, as well as the 'I can't hold all the tenses!' trend. Catch you later._


End file.
